A.W. Books & Poetry

Do you remember reaching the big “1-0”

Your neighbors hands would hold up their hands,

And say “wow you’re a whole decade old”, 

It felt like eternity,

But nothing like turning 20 

Something you’ll never know.

19, Only 19,

2016 was eight years ago;

Not a decade yet,

But there’s only two years left,

And you’re forever only 19 years old,

Because that’s when you left.

How am I older than you?

It’s a concept I’ll never get,

Big brother for life,

What was supposed to be infinite time,

Not a decision of yours or mine,

What will be has to be.

You were not here 

To tell me what it feels like to graduate,

To walk up on that stage,

I left sophomore year double my age,

And then your mom went too, 

Tell your sister I am sorry 

I couldn’t tell her about you,

Tell your brother I love him 

He looks like you now 

So I can’t look at him 

I’m so sorry I let you down.

All these things I’ve kept in myself,

But lately I’ve wanted 

To scream them to your picture on the shelf-

Because why shouldn’t you know?

Why does everybody else?

Are we going to pretend you’re really gone

Because I don’t believe it myself,

You can come out now,

The joke’s over its not funny now,

Only in dreams you’re sitting there on the couch.

I work at our old school now,

The one where you met my dad,

Sometimes I wish you never did 

And I hate myself for telling that fib 

But what I hate more is there will be a day 

Where you’ll be gone longer 

Then the chances I had to see your face 

And I meant it when I said I love you 

That very last day 

And my world came crashing down 

When my mom said your name 

No way, no way

That’s the way I look at it now 

To this very day 

There’s so much I want to say 

Like senior year was okay 

It’s different than college 

You were right about that 

Relationships are strange 

I wish you were there to keep me safe 

But you couldn’t be 

And that’s okay 

I love with my whole soul 

The way you used to 

And I tell all my people about you 

Because I want them to love you too 

In every part of my identity 

There is a piece of you 

To love is to lose, 

But I gained so much just knowing you